Hoppo Bumpo (n): A children's game. Played by folding one's arms and hopping on one leg. Aim is to bump opponents, so that they lose their balance. Last person standing wins.

December 26, 2009

Hamming it up

I have a little theory. Humour me if you will, while I talk it through.

You see its this: I believe there's a correlation between culinary skill and life-stage. For example, you haven't moved out of childhood until you can be trusted to use a kitchen knife. And you're not really an adult until you can prepare a meal on your own.

So when I decided to include glazed ham as part of our Christmas festivities this year, I felt sure that it meant I must finally be very grown up indeed. The picture in my head was of an edible show-piece, worthy of the sort of reveal that should always be accompanied by a big ta-dahhhhh.

Mid-afternoon yesterday I departed the last of our lunch celebrations at my parents' place and hurried home to begin preparing the ham ahead of the dinner guests arriving. I whipped the ham out of the fridge with a flourish, forgetting its weight. The momentum behind 4 kilos sent the ham straight to the floor. Hmmpph. A dent on one side - perhaps the guests wouldn't notice. I braced myself and hoisted it back on to the bench.

After struggling with shrink-wrapped plastic, I set about to remove the rind. All the instructions I had read, suggested this was no harder than say, peeling an orange. My prissy, ineffectual little cuts with a kitchen knife brought no joy. Maybe the knife was a bit blunt. I started to cut and hack until preparations were beginning to look less White Christmas and more shower-scene-from-Psycho. Success.

Having cleaved the rind, I tried to pull it away. It was kind of stretchy and rubbery. I pulled. It became sort of a ham tug-o-war. Pull, pull, pu-u-u-l-l-l-l. Ah-ha -it started to come away ... when suddenly ... the ham rind snapped like a giant rubber band. Thwack.

Ham rind in the side of my head. And as I stood there with bits of ham fat and meat in my hair, stuck to my face and alluringly across my decolletage, I giggled hysterically.

Perhaps I still have a bit of growing up to do.


  1. Oh dear that ham was causing just a little trouble. I take it from the picture that you wrestled it into submission! Hope the rest of your preparations were less troublesome.

  2. lol sorry :) looks good tho :D
    (and I can cook, debatable whether or not its edible tho :p)

  3. Haha...this sounds a little like the scene I saw at my mum's house and she's got a seniors card!

  4. Hilarious! Hope you had a very Merry Christmas.

  5. ..or you might need to stop drinking before food preparation tee, hee.


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