June 10, 2009
The directions stated "... apply liberally as often as needed"
Early this morning I awoke to the sound of hail on our tin roof. It was a loud, but not altogether unpleasant sound: the signal that Winter is well and truly here. It is generally a season I am fond of. I love the crisp air; the elegant silhouettes of leafless trees; the rain that greens the lawn; the watercolour skies at dusk.
But this year there is a downside.
You see, I am ailing with a winter affliction - my hands have dried out. Not just a little dry, mind. Ten days into the season and they are almost completely beyond redemption: parched, rough and hideously cracked. So bad, that I have become reclusive and the neighbourhood children have started calling me Hoppo Velcro Hands. And as I patiently to be saved by a kindly Avon lady called Peg Boggs, I have been considering the irony of my situation.
Just when I have time to sit at home and reclusively sew and crochet, I have discovered that Velcro Hands are in fact incompatible with most yarns and fabrics. Stick, rip. Stick, rip. Stick, r-i-i-i-i-p. Velcro is deceptively strong – a two inch square is enough to support a 170 pound person. So what chance does a scrap of quilting cotton stand?
I cannot put down the knit fabric that I am sewing with at the moment. It sticks even when I am not gripping. My crochet is catching and becoming fluffy. And worst of all? I can no longer fondle fabric. Even the shinest, satiny smooth number is met with sand paper-like resistance. All the joy has gone out of life.
I can only hope that Peg Boggs is coming soon. Preferably with a little something that promises to boost the moisture in my hands by 147%.
Filed under: General silliness